Previously on United States of Tara...
Let's go home, Tara.
Charmaine, we can't.
Happy By-Sennial, Mimi.
And to you, too, girls.
Who is Mimi?
Maybe a babysitter.
This is the most important part.
Who told you to put all the little stones on it?
How do you know someone told me?
You make art with all your selves.
This house would just make a great place to start a life.
An even better place to end one.
I guess you already know who Mimi Parmeter is, don't you?
I want to talk to you sometime
about maybe buying this place for my baby.
The baby's not Nick's. It's Neil's.
I want you to get him to sign something
saying he's never gonna come back and try to be a father to our kid.
The papers that promise
I'd stay out of our daughter's life.
I'm your Princess Valhalla Hawkwind,
and your wish is my ultimate command.
Would you ever meet in person?
This really is a... a teenager's room.
I have to get out of here.
Being gay is like living in a buffet.
Let's take a walk.
And people say romance is dead.
Last night, I stopped at cat five's for a beer.
You had a thing with Pammy?
Huge mistake.
But I also forgive you.
You fucked my Pammy!
You do not get away with that, motherfucker!
Buck! Buck! T... Tara forgave me.
I ain't Tara.
Open up the sky.
This mess is getting high.
It's windy, and our family needs a ride.
I know we'll be just fine.
When we learn to love the ride.
I know we'll be fine.
When we learn to love the ride.
I know we'll be just fine.
When we learn to love the ride.
You look like hell.
I feel like hell.
What the fuck happen?
Buck beat the shit out of me.
- Ow. - Yeah.
Kicked me right in my Marshall-maker.
I'm so sorry.
Why?
Pammy.
I thought you guys were getting co-conscious.
Ohhhh.
We are... sometimes.
Well, couldn't you have at least told him that I was forgiven?
Like, left a note in his beer cozy?
Ow!
Whoa.
You know what?
I'm gonna drive to Lawrence today... try and meet Mimi.
Well, I think I should come.
No. I'm gonna ask Charmaine.
But, hey, just so you know,
even though Buck's mad, I meant what I said
when I said I forgive you for what happened.
Uh, maybe you should ask Char
before you start going through all her stuff.
Wow. She likes animal prints.
I'm just shoppin' right now.
If I see anything I want, then I'll...
Kate plus 8 goes on a date.
I thought Zach dumped you.
He did,
but then he called and said he couldn't eat or sleep
or stop thinking about me, so I win.
Well, winning is the goal.
My mistake was inviting him into my personal chambre.
I should have redecorated away all the high-school shit.
Actually, your mistake is that your room is still in your parents' house.
Where Lionel be at?
Haven't seen him prancing around here lately.
Well... we're not speaking.
Or... he's ignoring me,
or I... I don't know.
Fascinating.
Yeah, I think we decided we're just two totally different kinds of people.
You know, no shared interests or whatever.
I'm having a total revelation.
Please. A... anything. I need help.
Classic little black dress.
It's what every woman needs.
Mom?
Hi.
I'm having a crisis.
Glamour magazine says every woman
must own a little black dress.
It's a do, mom.
I can't be a don't with a little black bar over my eyes.
Oh.
Well, I have one, but it's sort of Alice's.
Pass.
I bet Char has one.
There is one in her closet, but it has a weird crust on it.
Maybe it's deodorant.
It's on the hem.
Hey, thank you for getting Mimi's address for me.
It was easy.
I have sharpened my people-tracking skills
pretty good in my previous position.
Uh...
I guess I... hope it helps you.
Going back there or whatever.
Yeah.
Is Zach taking you out?
Yeah.
Fancy-people fancy luncheon.
Got it.
Is that why you're dressing up like a woman?
Yeah, I'm gonna flash a little side boob or something.
Don't forget to be yourself.
Ha, ha, and ha, mom.
I know you feel bad about...
deserting me at the park, Marshall, and it's totally okay.
I don't feel bad.
You left me.
I was just trying to get out of there
before I became somebody's wife.
It's man-sex, not matrimony.
"Man-sex"?
Is that... what you did?
You went all the way with that guy?
Well, not there in the park.
But later... when I went back to his house.
Want all the deets?
No.
The second I walked in the door, he kissed me.
Then he took me to the living room,
where there were lit candles.
And we drank red wine
and watched the special features
from his "Dawson's Creek" box set.
Stop it.
He kissed each one of my eyelids.
It was as close to perfect as I've ever felt.
Wow.
I'm happy for you, I guess.
What smells so good? Feed me.
Lawrence, Kansas.
Is my tiara too Midwestern glitz pageant?
4039 Vermont Street, Lawrence, Kansas.
No, seriously, talk me down.
Does this scream Jonbenét?
I can't believe I'm holding Mimi's address in my hand.
The Internet's the worst thing to happen to family secrets
since DNA testing.
Don't make me go alone.
I won't. I'll go with you.
But wherever this gets you with your disease,
promise me not one word
to mom and dad till Monday morning,
while I am dealing Nick his bridal-suite blowjob.
You might want to hustle out of here.
Neil's about to stop by.
What does he want?
Didn't say.
Well, he knows about the wedding being tomorrow and all that?
Yeah, he knows all about all that.
Okay.
I'm making the right choice, right?
Don't ask me that.
Neil's a good friend of mine. I'm biased in his favor.
You think I should be marrying Neil.
Ohhh.
I think I meant the opposite of that.
Hey.
- We ready? - We ready.
Mimi Parmeter, this is your life.
You sure you don't want me to come?
Nah. You know, it's a sister thing.
Think of it as my bachelorette party.
Except instead of stuffing dollar bills in some guy's g-string,
we'll be exploring the deep roots of my mental illness.
Is that much fun even legal?
Seriously, Max, stay here.
Help Nick and the kids with the yard.
- There's a lot of work to do. - Okay.
Drive safe.
Yeah.
Gonna have my cellphone on all day.
You call me if you need anything.
Okay, so, I get on 435, right?
And then highway 10.
Have you figured out exactly what you're gonna say
when we get there?
No, not exactly.
More like...
I guess we'll just see if the names Tara and Charmaine mean anything to her.
Or Bev and Frank Craine. See if she knew mom and dad.
You know you might transition, right?
Yeah, I figured.
You know, when we were in the basement
during the tornado,
Shoshana was like,
"this business of protecting each other has got to stop."
Hmm.
Yeah.
She said we made a pact.
You and me, me and you.
Sister's keeper through and through.
Aah! Aah!
What was that? Did we really do that?
I don't know. Stop. You're freaking me out.
Hey, Max.
Jesus, Neil.
Shh!
Charmaine still here?
No, she's gone for the afternoon.
You can lose that amazing disguise.
Okay, well, I came to say goodbye.
"Goodbye"?
Yeah, I mean, with Charmaine getting married,
there's nothing left for me here, lifewise.
Where you gonna go?
Uh, Odessa, for starters.
Odessa, Texas?
Yeah, I got a... I got a cousin
who's a tool pusher on an oil rig down there...
Says he can, you know, temporarily set me up
in a managerial capacity.
You know anything about oil?
No.
But, you know, he says it's just you're holed up in a trailer
and then you drink beer
and you eat cereal out of the box,
which, you know, I can do.
Wow.
Hey, man, we did a really good job next door.
You know, we did. I'm proud of us.
We... we made a great home,
and that's where my daughter's gonna wake up every day,
and she's gonna... you know, she's gonna watch TV
and... and do her math worksheets.
You really think of her as your daughter?
Oh, fuck.
Well, you know, I'll... I'll send you my info.
Well, yeah, you better.
Yeah.
God damn it.
Eh. Come here.
I'm gonna miss you.
Neil, there's only one you.
That's what they keep telling me.
I am dramatically overdressed.
You look beautiful.
This is not a place for a little black dress.
This is a place for a little white polo.
Or maybe a... a delightful khaki polo would have sufficed.
You don't have to try so hard, you know.
Trying? I'm not trying.
I'm just talking.
You're enough, Kate.
Can't you see that?
Wow.
Living with a schizophrenic has really taken a toll on you.
Oh, my mom's not schizophrenic.
Crab cobb salad?
Oh, no, sorry. I don't do crab.
That's mine. She's the regular cobb.
Thanks.
Thank you.
Have you ever had to...
get a restraining order on your mom?
No.
I mean, she's a little crazy, but she's not dangerous.
Not yet.
This thing's coming together a lot faster than I thought it would.
Hope the girls are having fun getting their nails done.
Probably in heaven right now.
They're not in heaven.
They're in Lawrence. Didn't Charmaine tell you?
Huh.
Sometimes Charmaine buries the lead.
Well, Tara had the name of some lady in her head.
She thought if she went there and saw her in person,
she might get some answers about her past.
Wow.
Hope they're okay.
Yeah, me too.
Hey, can I see that paint can?
Listen, Max, I, uh...
really appreciate how welcoming you've been.
I mean, I know Neil's your buddy.
Well, you're a stand-up guy, Nick, raising another guy's kid.
I got to say, I...
I respect that.
I think of that baby as mine already.
And Neil wants nothing to do with her.
Can you imagine, coming into this world
knowing your father doesn't love you?
Yeah. I grew up without my dad.
I'm sorry, man. I didn't... I didn't realize.
No, no, that's okay.
It was just... me and my mom.
Hey, are you, uh, cool to do this by yourself for a bit?
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
It's my fuckin' art.
Holy fuck.
It's even got the stones and the place for the flag.
How could I have possibly known all those details?
Is every single thing just lurking beneath the surface?
Jesus. I hope not.
I always wonder about people who have those kind of flags.
They pledge allegiance to spring.
I'd say it's a good sign.
Hello.
May I help you?
You're still mad.
And don't try to lie.
It's just...
sometimes I wonder if anyone besides me
actually believes in romance.
Or if the idea is just a big joke...
on everyone.
Real romance, you know?
Someone you want to... wake up next to
or... fall asleep on or...
I know, Marshall.
I know you know.
I just...
Wonder if you're ever gonna have it?
Okay, fine.
The other night, when I went to the park guy's house,
there wasn't any wine or eyelid-kissing.
I went in...
and he asked me to please just wear my underwear.
And then he started playing with his cock...
Stop!
I don't want to know.
Okay.
When I got home...
my mom didn't ask what I'd been doing.
I didn't even have to lie.
And our parents are Beverly and Frank Craine.
We lived in Olathe.
Yes.
Yes, I do remember.
Okay, so, um, I'm kind of on this fact-finding mission.
Our mom says you babysat for us sometimes, and I'm just...
I'm just trying to get a picture of my childhood.
Oh, darny.
Well, we have a lot of clearing up to do, don't we?
I'm sorry to report, but I wasn't your babysitter.
You weren't?
No.
You lived with me here.
I run a foster home, ladies.
We were... your foster children?
I've been taking in children for nearly 35 years now.
And...
Yes, I do remember you both.
Tara and Char.
They... they never told us.
Tara?
You're the older one, aren't you?
But you wouldn't leave her side,
held on to her for dear life.
Oh, this is Dwayne.
Hello.
Dwayne, do you remember these girls?
Stuck together like glue.
Just can't remember what year it was.
What up, Dwayne?
You remember me?
'Cause I sure as fuck remember you.
I need to get you out of this house.
Is that right?
This whole self-imprisonment thing,
sticking with a bad situation because you think that's how life is?
It's not that bad.
I want you to start looking in the newspaper...
At condos.
Condos?
Hold on. Maybe it is that bad.
I'll drive you around, and we can look at lofts.
Lofts?
Yeah, in the crossroads district.
You ever been down there?
If I remember correctly, I love it down there.
I have been wanting to get out of here for a billion years.
When we sign your lease,
they're gonna want to know your income,
so you'll just tell them that you work at Yogohut.
I work at Yogohut?
Mm-hmm.
And what do I do at Yogohut?
Do I make the stuff come out?
I'm gonna fuck up your face, Duh-Wayne.
I'm sorry. We probably shouldn't have come.
Come on, old man!
You used to give Tara horsey rides.
Giddyup! Ow!
I think you need to get the hell out of here
before I call the police.
Ooh! Is that right, asshole?
'Cause maybe I already called the police
and they're comin' to get you!
I told you... you're too damn trusting, Mimi.
Oh, Dwayne, let's not get into all of what you told me now.
- This looks like Alice. - I know. It's fuckin' freaky, right?
Come on, T, let's go.
I ain't steppin' nowhere until Duh-Wayne says he remembers me.
1976.
Christ, Mimi, we hadn't even met yet.
The... the same day you came was the same day
the block had its bicentennial parade.
I don't want to ride a tricycle.
I want to ride a big-girl bike.
Oh, my God. It's... Chicken.
Who's Chicken?
Chi... Chicken was Tara's nickname when we were little kids.
I'm hungry anyway.
Okay, Chicken, you must be tired. Let's go.
No, I'm not tired!
No!
I'm s... I'm sorry. We, um...
We're just trying to...
So, he wasn't here when we were?
No, he wasn't.
And I'm so sorry to say this,
but they sent children to me
who came from especially abusive homes.
I seeping.
That's right. You are sleeping.
Okay, you guys drive safe.
Do you think you would enjoy or despise
sitting in a chair shaped like an egg
and hanging from the ceiling?
You're buying more stuff?
I thought you said, "everything's a thing."
This is different.
Zach hearts me.
Lionel hearts me.
I know.
No, I mean... Lionel really hearts me.
We, um...
We made out.
You made out with your BFF?
Your beef?
This is huge.
Is it?
Uh, I don't want it to be huge.
I just want it to be...
did I ruin everything?
No! It's totally sweet!
But... Lionel likes older, muscly dudes
with shoulder hair.
And he has a porn collection.
And he's a radical queer activist.
And I'm...
I'm...
I'll tell you what you are, amoosh boosh.
You're in love.
I feel more like I just came down with food poisoning.
That's in the beginning.
It gets easier.
Less crampy.
I'm glad you have someone.
It's good timing for me to bolt.
Zach has recently promised to get me a condo to call my own...
potentially with an indoor pool.
Really?
Like... soon?
Yeah.
Whoa.
But, um, don't you think mom and dad need us?
Nah.
But what about me?
I'll have a sofa-bed thingy.
You can crash if things get feral around here.
Oh, my gourd.
Look at this badass wall clock made of fur.
Made of fur!
Done.
Why is the sky?
Why is the sky what, Chicken?
Just... why is the sky?
So, what does this mean? It was Dwayne?
Do I got to go back there and beat the fuck out of him?
No.
I don't think it's that simple.
What do I do if Tara doesn't come back before the wedding?
I'm gonna have a giant 4-year-old
swimming in my chocolate fountain.
I'm not 4.
I'm 5.
Dummy.
Oh, yeah.
You took Buck's bike without asking.
Yeah.
You're gonna get in trouble.
I ain't afraid of Buck.
Okay.
Here we go.
Got eggs and bacon.
We got BLT.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
And one little rowdy's arroz con pollo!
And milk.
Look.
Does she need anything else?
My aunt has a special-needs child.
When they removed gluten from his diet,
they found that people stopped gawking so much.
People can be assholes.
You know?
She's precious.
Now I wish I got what Chicken got.
You can't have any.
Oh, no.
You were Chicken, Tara.
Yeah.
Chicken was here.